You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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