I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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