i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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