I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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