I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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