Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
