got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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