someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
