It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
