she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
