his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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