I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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