i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just google imaged poop.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
