decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
