So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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