Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
