she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
