I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I party with great urgency now.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
