she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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