Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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