It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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