So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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