what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
