please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
