Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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