Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
