One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
