Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
