Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
