So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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