Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
