I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
