The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
