Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
