well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
