I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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