just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
