I am midnight drunk by noon
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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