I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
