You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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