The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
