I cannot find my penis.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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