do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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