I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
