Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize