You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
