textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
