Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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