Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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