This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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