i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
it's like heaven, but drunker
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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