My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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