that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
being pregnant is like rehab
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
