My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
