Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize