I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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