I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
