you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize