wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
