it wasn't lemon gatorade
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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