What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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