What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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