i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
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