Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
