I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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