I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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