So drunk, too bad you don't want this
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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