if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm both gender and math confused
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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