i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dick very happy bro
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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