I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
