this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize