9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize