tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
